Changes

"I knew her when summer was her crown
And autumn sad
How brown her eyes...

I knew her when winter was her cloak
And spring her voice
She spoke to me..."
              -  The Zombies, Changes.


  And as she spoke, those dreadful yet insignificant words crawled into my skin and shook my mood, memories like a train wreck rushed into my head. And even though I said I was 'Ok', I wasn't so sure now. I haven't really thought about it much. Sure, I had a few bad weeks, where all I could think about was in how betrayed and stomped I felt, had days where I couldn't sleep, where I couldn't think of anything else and where any little thing reminded me of her. Deep was my sorrow, that horrible memory carved deep enough to reach my darkest fears and feelings. I thought I was past that point, I was lying to myself. "There are good days and bad days", I said to her. "But things keep getting better all the time". I can't remember what she said after that, a few minutes later we said our goodbyes and went on separate ways.

  The past few days I've been busy with other things. Talking with my friend Jackie made me notice certain things about my life I was missing. My life was terrible in many aspects, some I've never attended properly because I was 'too busy' taking care of that other person. And I made a promise to myself. I have to change my situation, no matter how, no matter when, sooner than later, i had to start changing things around. I can't keep living like this anymore. It's too depressing. All this time, my reality was depressing, living here is depressing, the way my mother treats me is depressing, my room is dark, this house is a mess, i don't have money or time for me and things seem to get worse and worse. Basically, it's time I focus in myself and myself alone. I started to do so a few weeks ago, I've been doing excercise like crazy. In my darkest mood, with all this 'we broke up' thing, I nearly ended breaking up my leg during my constant jogging sessions. Even so, I feel i'm back in the game. I've spent a lot of time with my friends also, I have been going out so much I'm even starting to get tired of it. But i can't put in words how much my friends have done for me, i'm grateful every day for having friends like them.

And here I am now, four o'clock in the morning, sitting in my bedroom, thinking about everything I've had in mind these past weeks. I look outside searching for the moon, as it comes to my mind that things are looking better now, I feel that, for the first time in my life, i can handle everything that comes to me and I'm ready to take any challenge. I feel in control of my life, and most of all, in control of myself. And i don't need anyone for that. All i need is for my leg to get better, so i can tie up my running shoes and dive into the night, not fearing the unknown, fast and powerful as the wind, travelling far into new horizons.